...I want you to know, that I'm happy for you. I wish nothing but the best for you both.

*******

...An older version of me, is she perverted like me.. ? ... does she speak eloquently, and would she have your baby, I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother.

14 years ago, this album screams the hell out of a carpeted bedroom, almost soundproofed abstract-painted walls, with a mattress and no bed, on the floor. Airconditioning will be on full blast until it's very cold to make you scream your lungs out.

What was she so mad about anyway?

She's not mad-angry. She's mad-crazy.

You'll see in her eyes, there's fire. Ready to burn everything on it's path. And everywhere she goes it just goes bright and brighter until it's blinding.

...You seem very well, things look peaceful. I'm not quite as well. I thought you should know.

Then she became dormant. Very dormant that you thought it was just a phase she's going through. It was almost a sigh of relief and maybe a sign of growth.

But every once in a while a very weak spark - yet still a spark, ignites.

...I'm not gonna fade as soon as you close your eyes, and you know it.

And when kindled, it burns and starts a fire.

I am afraid that when she takes over, hell will freeze from what she can burn.

...And I am here, to remind you of the mess you left when you went away. It's not fair, to deny me of the cross I bear that you gave to me, you oughta know...

Majority of the senses' memory of some things is acquired. Could it be that a sudden shift of persona affect one's remembrance of moments?

Can one really say "I don't remember" and mean it 100%? Mechanically, we remember things and circumstance but do we associate feelings along?

She might have disassociated herself fully from the life she lived for 27 years. And in as much as she says she remember things vividly, now, they all seem to be a blur. A shift happened - and the view is wider, wider than what she can recall. Because she sees them with a new set of eyes.

"I wanted to see the world as how you see it."

I am now.

In the past few days, I've had the feeling that I was being watched. Either by some force from somewhere, literally or figuratively. I know that if I stayed silent, I will be able to see back.

Yesterday, I went and checked on another site that I maintain - and yes, I just knew I was being watched - so I watched back.

*******

I am disturbed.

True, in history, people open heartedly die when they have finally found their match.

Should that apply to love?

*******

I miss her.

Faster than a shooting star, baby you stole my heart and I never want it back..

I woke up with a sudden jolt this morning. I scrambled for my phone to check what time it is. 4 am. We are airmiles away but exists at the same time. I wonder how long before the air I breath turns to a full cycle and get to you. Because I've been sending kisses in the air.

I wonder how long before I get flooded with more thoughts to ponder on.

I get fewer voices now. Could it be that I'm finally merging into one? I'm noticing that in my walks, the voices agree. They actually agree not to argue.

I'm suddenly peaceful.

My Dad went to Taipei for two weeks for a retreat somewhere in a Buddhist sanctuary. And now he's back, he gave me one of these bracelet charms. Something that holds wishes and makes them come true. Monks from the place chanted mantras on the thing and it should hold some great energy.

Condition: Never to take it off until the wish comes true.

Whoaboy. I'm not skeptic - but I'm wearing it because of it's cute colors (I made a wish anyway - just in case). Although, I know I play a big part on the wish. True, that there's no such thing as a coincidence and everything is interconnected. So it's no accident that I am where I am now.

Could it be that this peace that I found (or found me) is really laid out? Again, I'm not skeptic. But I know how I'm going to spend the rest of my life. This is a vision and not a wish, unfolding before my very eyes.

I must have done something good.

I abandoned this site a few years back - just right after my godmother left a comment on an entry. I was uncomfortable then. But not anymore.

So much has happened. Love found me.

This is the first time I'm going to be writing about this on the web. I'm sure as hell, there will be no readers here, but just in case - I'm not hiding.

Jc and I were a dynamic couple in the office. We've been through a lot. 3 years - almost four built a lot. I loved her. I loved her with my all and the best way I can. I'm sure and felt that she did the same. There were wonderful moments to treasure and tender loving to remember her/us by.

Then somewhere along the way, our pieces together just can't move in the same direction anymore. It's not just the career path - it's the person in us. She once again fell silent in her own world, and I became louder. So loud that my name resonates through every corner and every wall. I guess, that's something she had to get away from - unconsciously. We were falling out of love, and falling into more of just friends who simply can't stand each other.

I guess my turning point was when my back broke. It's a good indication that I'm carrying too much. I was diagnosed with Slipped Disc.

Then came along Trish. A person from the past who was just a watcher. In the shortest time that we spent, The back pain went away. The troubles and stress at work went away. Everthing went away. And the last to go away, was Jc.

Jc and I ended on a mutual conversation, up until a few days after, I told her I'm with Trish already.

The story with Trish is one that no one will ever believe to be true. It started on the first date. It was the same day I was planning to give Jc a long break or a space. I was going home in Cavite and just commute my way to work for the next two weeks. But I decided I'll just shop my heart out and give the day a breather. I called my sister and we went out. Watched a movie and had foot spa. Then my phone started ringing - it was Trish, asking if I have time for coffee.

We met that evening. She picked me and my sister up from the mall. We dropped my sister off to her work and we had dinner. Her driving wasn't that exquisite, but I didn't mind. I figured, what and who can be crazier than me? On our way to my place, before she dropped me off, she asked me if she can take care of me - and I said Yes. This question and answer happened thrice. Then she asked me if she can spoil me whenever she's here in Manila. I said, No. She said, I have no choice. I shrugged. I was home early. That was a Sunday evening. Upon reaching the flat, I took a bath and got ready for sleep. I woke up at around 2 in the morning with a pang in my stomach - I mistook that for hunger. Moments after, my phone started ringing again, it's Trish. Her partner just threw her out of their place. She asked if we can meet, I agreed. Took a quick shower and hailed a cab. Her partner even called me to warn me about what I'm about to enter.

We were just there. In her hotel room - talking. Then her partner started knocking at the door. I had to somehow intervene. I talked to her partner first before I called for her. The conversation is very civil. I can feel that her partner loved her.

Then afterwards, we saw eachother every day. I'd go to her or she'll pick me up after work - just to hang out. I even let her meet Jc- because I value what Jc and I have at that time. I just felt that it's one way.

Until the last drop that Jc left me at Trish's place to go somewhere else.

That's it.

Trish and I are going steady now. She asked me to marry her - I said Yes. On all the moments we spent together, it's as if we have been making memories of eachother all our life and we just met now. There's no adjustment stage, no awkward moments. We just fit perfectly and fell into place. The finishing of statements, saying the same things at the same time - verbatim, liking the same things, songs, - just everyting. It's just so overwhelming. I truly believe I found my soulmate (if ever there is such).

So yes, I am very much happy now. Sigh. Dear blog, the world may not understand, and that's okay. There are two hearts embracing love. I love her. I love Grace Patricia Francisco, I Cherissa Vargas is very much in-love.

I seriously want a dog. A Labrador Retriever in particular. Maybe one male and one female. The male - I will name Toffee, and the female, I'll call Sheeba. I'll let them have babies and the names for those puppies will vary - depending on my mood.

I plan to have them running around our yard. I'll also have two cats, both male. I don't have a name for them yet but I have an idea on how the yard will look like. Of course there will be a pavillion for silent reading or for siestas in the afternoons.

Sigh.