February 19, 2011 Saturday
11:06 Manila | 11:06 Manila

My Love,

I'm writing this just after getting up, toggling between a never-ending dream and the reality that has been forcefully sinking in - creating pearls of tears.

And just the same, I think I may have missed you. Maybe somewhere along the way, somewhere when it began getting colder. Or maybe, just maybe it's just the weather.

The memory of loving and tender romance, the nothings and holding hands, and fighting chance; Taste of passion and fears must have drifted away and will fade through the years. Promises spoken and vows taken all existed in a moment, and every blood, sweat, and tears are now painfully being spent.

And just the same, I think I may still love you. Maybe I'm born to choose to do so without a breather. Or maybe, maybe I've become quieter.

The numbness facade feels so hollow like a birth to death fast, yet I chase after time and the longest it can last. I taste, I breathe, I listen, and I see - all that you live for, all used to be me. I wake up each day to a shadow of you, wishing and hoping you remember me too.

And through all these I know I still said 'yes', and right now that's all I live for. To the beauty of you and the heart that fuels your life, I know I just couldn't ask for more. Foolish as it may sound, but what's there not to love about you? you're an epitome of me in a different point of view.

Love, I loved you, I love you, I will always love you. And I know I will still love you more than that and more than what you knew.

If only tears of pearls are as priceless as you used to say.

-The Queen of Cups

and the world is mine

September 22, 2010 Wednesday
7:31 Manila | 7:31 Singapore

My Love,

I'm writing this after playing the piano. Our songs just had to be sung, and my heart gives off one beat at a time.

And just the same, I'm still missing you. Maybe I'm born to miss life and every color it can offer. Or maybe, maybe I've grown older.

The wisdom of loving went beyond romance, beyond holding hands, beyond our chance. Memories of passion and tears will be carried out through our years. Of promises written in the sand, will always be treasured as the first time you held my hand. And dreams of happily ever after resides every night in my pillow in a soft prayer.

And just the same, I'm still loving you. Maybe I'm born to love life and every color it can offer. Or maybe, maybe I've grown wiser.

The feeling of pain went beyond what lasts, beyond today, beyond our past. I can only feel happiness for love and you, for everything I've known is true. Of your laughter resonating in my heart, has been my daily smile even though we're apart. And visions of tomorrow faded away because I chose to live our life one step everyday.

And through all these, when I fell and saw, all the memories and time we had happened because we know. It's all written in the stars that we cross this universe and things will have to happen when I go first. Still, what is there not to love about you? In this lifetime, only once will I say "I do".

Love, I loved you, I love you, I will always love you. And I know at the back of your heart somehow, you knew.

I'm going back to the piano now.

-The queen of pentacles

and the world is mine

I think I may have successfully re-written my past or at least from the way I remember yesterdays.

When people ask me what happened to us, I simply tell them that we'll always be a never ending story - 12 years and running now. We may have had other relationships in between, but we'll always be us.

That's the simplest explanation, and it's fast becoming my truth.

I know I don't owe anyone any explanation but to minimize issues, I have to do damage control.

It's been 2 months today that I'm back here in the country, and I haven't quite adjusted well. I still sleep on the floor and made sure I didn't warm up to settling. I can't. I just know I'm going back to Singapore or back with where my heart is.

Sometimes, impatience is getting to me but I can feel it so much that I can almost taste it. I'm going back there very soon to follow a time line and go on with life like nothing ever happened. That all these is just a bypassing dream.

I've devised several ways to keep me sane and to keep myself waking up everyday smiling. I can feel so much in my heart that you are still close, and I've been feeling this since I was born.

All the parallels in this world we always manage to miss each other by 3 degrees.

And now, I'm at the edge of my seat, because I can feel so much that I'll see you soon. We'll write more to our story and have our ever after.

and the world is mine

July 12, 2010 Monday
13:07 Manila | 13:07 Singapore

 

Dear You,

I'm writing this while I'm under the weather and out here in Manila.

These are words that you'd dread to hear, I miss you, and in however which way I put it, I really do. In the recent conversations that we had, it's your freedom and the space between us takes me far away from you.

 

I'm reminiscing on the memories that we made together and those we're making while apart; I'm reminiscing on the smiles that I used to see in close encounter and hold them dear in my heart.
I'm reminiscing on the tantrums that I used to console and weep with silent grace; and I'm reminiscing on each kiss, each affection, and each passion dying on the next following days.

These are words that you'd dread to hear, I love you, and in however which way I put it, I really do. In the recent conversations that we had, it's your freedom and the space between us takes me far away from you.

I love you more than the memories that we could've been making together, because we have our whole lives ahead; I love you more than the smiles we could've been exchanging - I understand instead.
I love you more than our tantrums that needed consoling and more than our silent screams; And I love you more than understanding, more than patience, and more than our dreams.

I'll remember each breathing moment, the warmth of your embrace; I'll remember kisses and wishes on fountains, I'll remember ice creams and cakes, I'll remember flowers and dates. I'll remember all endearing words, all hopes and youthful promises; and I'll remember magical moments until we've extinguished ourselves, it will still always be a "Yes".

 

And through all these, I didn't choose to fall nor did I choose to see; That all the memories that we've been making were all meant to be. I, Cherissa Vargas, take you, Grace Patricia Francisco, to be the love of my life, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death tries to part us.

I love you more than to show you each drop of longing. But I know you love me enough to heed to that feeling.

The medicine is taking effect now; I sincerely wish this is all a dream.

Stay safe.

I love you.

-Cherissa

and the world is mine

Hello cyber world!

After a while of an entry here I go again. As ironic that I'm seen as friendly, I seem to not have the taste for "friends" around me. Sometimes, I need to whine out loud and not be concerned if there will be any receiver on the other end.

While my tears build up - the more that I can't choke the words out. You signed out.

Lately, I haven't been making any good decisions or coming up with good ideas. I've been detained and questioned by ICA for several times, I've been sent back to this country - I don't have a job, and I don't think I'm helping or contributing anything to the human race at all.

In short, I don't feel useful.

I'm just expressing what I feel - and I don't need a quickfix. I know I'll get over this but right now, it's building up too. I don't think no one's interested to hear anyway. So it's just gonna be posted randomly in cyber space.

This is one of those times I wish I'm dead because no one understands. But why would I need anyone to understand? Everyone's busy with their own lives and I'm just me - a nobody.

Believe me, I'm doing my best to hold on to my pieces too. I just wish you didn't log out.

and the world is mine

Dear You,

You'll be home in a few hours from now and I know you would've been with your folks or in a meeting and checked out of your hotel.

There is really no way for me to get in touch with you because your phone's dead and I don't know whether you'd want to talk to me while I'm in this state.

So I'm just going to get this thing off my chest because tonight, I will still be running to you when you get off that plane, ride that cab, and be in the doorstep. I still miss you so much.

I was hurt when you snapped at me. You were asking for a simple favor of doing something for you that I wasn't able to complete because of my stupid fear of doing things wrong on your behalf. I should understand that you have so much in your hands right now and so little resources. I can't believe I'm just sitting here making phone calls and sending out sms while you're out there busting your ass doing your best to be able to provide for the two of us.

I'm avoiding feeling sorry or angry at myself for not being able to find a job soon enough so you wouldn't have to work as much. I'm clinging on to positivity - but when things like this happen, I feel like I'm not good enough for anything. And that couldn't have been emphasized more with my inability to do what I'm asked to do.

Your career is very much colorful and full of things to do and that makes me so proud. But just so you know, I'm overshadowed in every way that my every day is full of inactivity.

Of course, we do these things to ourselves. We are the only cause and effect of our own doings.

I'm sorry there were delays in deposits. I'm sorry that I'm not employed yet. I'm sorry for a lot of things that are not on top of my mind right now.

Still, why do you say you're the lucky one? It nags me that I'm not doing anything at all.

Tonight, you're going to be home. And after 5 nights of sleeping in this bed alone, you're going to be with me. I don't want to be pouring this out, nor even talk about it.

I was in a feel good state this morning before you went online and I didn't get to fiinish or publish a blog before this because I came crashing down.

I'll just publish the portion I wrote.

*******

You know you made a difference when out of the blue, people add you up in Facebook, and until now, they still refer to you as "Boss" - and thanks you for all the many "second" chances you gave them.

You see, I stop counting after two. You tell them which points they need to improve on, and praise them for what they did right - down to the tiniest detail. Realize and see the potential in them.

Sigh. I'm no longer your boss, but just another individual. That's why it's called "Friend request" - I am your friend.

Voluntarily, they give me a feedback on their progress - just like how a child longs for an approving look from his/her parent.

*******

There. Before my eyes starts becoming puffy, I'll quit being a baby and start sending out my CVs again. I know even if you read this, it will never pull a single string on you. I'm just letting this out of my chest.

I still love you like crazy. Crazier than this.

and the world is mine

She is currently in a business trip back in the Philippines, and I'm realizing that although I have an uncanny ability to socialize with people, it's odd that I'm so sensing awkwardness. Sigh. That's just probably me.

It's been a month an a half now since we got here, and I'm so glad that She's taking off with her career. Every conversation with Her, there's excitement. I also see a business opportunity but that will come later. Right now, I'm waiting on a potential employer's call.

What She said last night was very sweet:

"I told the switch guy that I want to work hard and do good because I want to provide for both of us and even if you have epec you can be not stressed or pressured about having a job and I know that to do good, I have to take care of them. Sabi ang swerte mo daw. Sabi ko ako swerte. Naks! tas sabay tawag ka."

I don't know why She always say She's the lucky one when I'm the one not really doing much.

There's a really big part of me wanting to help out and patience, oh patience should really grow in trees.

Sigh.

It wasn't like this when I know She's flying. This was much more comforting, but I'm missing Her more. Especially when I know She's just in Manila - on land.

Amazing that we really are making it with limited resources. Now things are starting to pick up, it's just a matter of time when my turn will come. Soon.

Love, come back soon. I miss you.

and the world is mine